Public Speaking: The (Current) Bane of My Academic Existence

For years, I alway said math was the bane of my academic existence.  I’m horrible at it.  I think I can handle things up until Algebra II (and I use the term ‘handle’ loosely), but anything after that makes me want to cry.  Or scream.  Scream and cry? That about covers it.

Well, I have a new academic bane: public speaking.

I absolutely hate public speaking.  I’m not a public speaker by any means.  Hell, I can barely hold a decent conversation without sounding like an idiot half the time.  I’m horribly, painfully shy (seriously, I don’t care who says otherwise, I am) so, put me up in front of even the smallest group of people and I choke.

I learned this the hard way through 3 years of Toastmasters in Middle School.  Worst. Three. Years. Of. My. Life. After awhile, it was kind of OK, because it was the same 40 kids through all three years (it was a very small school) and I knew most all of them.

Class presentations in high school? Shoot me.

And now, I have to pitch ideas in screenwriting and read stuff in front of the class.

The first reading assignment I did was pretty horrible.  I had to read a 4-page screenplay assignment.  I talked really fast and stuttered a bit.  But, I was reading, so I didn’t have to look at anyone.

Same for the second assignment, although part of that was embarrassing as hell cos I had to read a part of someone else’s screenplay and…let’s just say if she can’t hack it as a screenwriter she definitely has a future in harlequin romances or smutty stories.  I’m pretty sure my cheeks were bright red during that presentation.

And then, today.  Oh boy.  The Pitch.

We had to give a pitch for a remake of a movie (mine was Sunset Boulevard).  I actually had a really good idea for this.  Everything was planned out, I had a decent opening, I hit all the major points we had to and, best of all, I wouldn’t go over time.

I was cool.  I was calm.  I was collected.

And then I choked.

Big time.

In front of the class, the TA, and the professor (who, of course, had to show up just in time for my presentation).

So, my mind completely blanked and I’d forgotten everything I’d written so, instead of this wonderfully eloquent pitch that would have sold my story without fail, this happened:

“WellahforthisIwasthinkingthatumIcouldahremakeSunsetBoulevard
withahermformerchildstarinsteadofumNormaDesmond?”

It was horrible.  No one could understand a word I was saying.  I was shaking the whole time! And, I have to give another pitch after Spring Break.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  If anyone out there has tips on public speaking, I’d appreciate a few.

The Tales of Lazarus: Why I Own A MacBook

I was combing through this blog the other day, looking for incriminating posts and comments I might have to delete in the wake of Family now having the link, and I found that post about Lazarus.

Remember Lazarus, gentle readers?

The laptop who impersonated the biblical figure every time it crashed, died, and then managed to (miraculously) come back to life? Every frakking week? Making it virtually impossible for me to work on anything without losing half of whatever it is I was doing?

Well, Lazarus’ slow spiral into oblivion culminated in a blazing death fit for the little bastard—it happened back in November, but I don’t think I actually explained what happened beyond, “It’s dead.” Actually, I don’t even think I explained that either.

Back in November, just before Thanksgiving break, I was working on this HUGE final paper for Great Directors.  Lazarus decided it would be the opportune moment to crash.

But, I’d done the smart thing and backed the paper up on my flash drive—and then saved it like every 10 minutes.  Tobie: 1, Lazarus: 0.  (Just a reminder, gentle readers, always back your work up and save multiple copies!!)

It took an entire day to get the little bastard up and running again, but I did!  Tobie: 2, Lazarus 0.

And then the frakking thing crashed again, probably out of spite.

Tobie: 2.  Lazarus: 1.

I spent the entire night getting it up and running again.  There was a lot of screaming, cussing, begging, threats, and maybe mention of a softball bat. It wasn’t pretty; it was loud, violent, and a little insane (I don’t even want to know what the neighbor on the other side of the wall was thinking…)

But, it was 4 in the morning and none of that mattered because I got the little bastard up and running again!

Tobie: 3, Lazarus: 1.

I was winning!

And I decided to celebrate my victory by crawling into bed and ignoring whatever it was I had to finish.

Hindsight, probably should have finished my paper that night and just submitted the thing.  But, I didn’t.

The next morning, I woke up with a 103 degree fever, absolutely sick to my stomach (the flu had been going around).  But, that wasn’t going to deter me from finishing my paper!

So, I booted Lazarus up.  And promptly got the Grey Screen of Apprehension (Otherwise known as Deafcon 3).  Sometimes, the screen would flicker and everything would return to normal.  Other times, the Grey Screen of Apprehension would turn into the Blue Screen of Death (Deafcon 2).  This was one of those times.

And Lazarus started the vicious cycle of crashing and dying all over again.

Tobie: 3.  Lazarus 2.

I was in no mood to deal with this all over again, but there I was.  Trying to resurrect the bastard so I could finish my term paper.  After 4 hours however, nothing was working and the situation was fast approaching The Point of No Return (otherwise known as: The-Point-Where-I-Would-Finally-Throw-It-Out-The-Window).

And then, we hit Deafcon 1 in the form of a message from Windows about “imminent failure” in my hard drive.

I’m not joking.  “Imminent failure.”

I’m think I started crying.

Tobie: 3.  Lazarus 3.

I called just about every tech support group I could think of (including a few genius friends and my uncle) and the end result was the conclusion that Lazarus had bit the big one (the hard drive was fried) and there was no bringing him back this time around.

I needed a new computer.

Tobie: 3.  Lazarus: 4.

Now I know I was crying.  I called my mom to beg for a ride to the nearest Best Buy so I could get some cheap thing to finish out the year with.

At this point, my fever had jumped, so I don’t really remember everything that happened cos I was borderline delusional and probably more than a little dehydrated.  All I know is when my mom showed up, she took one look at me and did what all mother’s do best: ordered me to bed.

After a nap, she took me home where I spent two days recuperating from whatever flu bug I had.  Sometime during that whole debacle, it was decided that I would just buy a MacBook instead of going through the horrors of Lazarus in another PC.

So, I went to the Apple Store and bought myself a beautiful 13’ MacBook Pro.  And an external hard drive (I highly recommend others invest in one of those and back-up EVERYTHING you possibly can, especially if you have an HP…)

Tobie: 4, Lazarus: 4.

I named it Shiny.  Because 1) It’s really pretty and 2) the fact that I actually own a MacBook now is “shiny” (kudos if you catch the reference).

And that, gentle readers, is the end of the Tales of Lazarus, or: Why I Now Own A Kick-Ass MacBook Pro.

Note: I think I may make good with that softball bat threat.  It’d be an easy way to wipe the hard drive clean, just as a precaution before I toss Lazarus out for good…

RIPieces, little bastard.

(Tobie: 5, Lazarus 4.)